Wow! It’s been ages since I’ve been on here. I don’t know why I take these sabbaticals from writing. I believe the more I share, the more others will share and it’s so important for everyone to know they are not alone. This year has been one giant rollercoaster. But what else I new!? The past 2 months specifically have been a hot mess. My physical health has gone down hill so you can only imagine what that has done to my emotional health. My body feels likes its one and only mission is to betray me. My hair has been falling out, I’ve gained weight, every muscle and joint in my body hurts…all the time! All I want to do is eat. Everything! Doesn’t matter the time or what it is. Haven’t met a sweet I didn’t like. I look in the mirror and I can see how unhealthy I have become. My body is even rejecting exercise. If my heart rate goes up, I get nauseas and dizzy. So, being the nursing student I am, we do love to diagnose ourselves; I started doing some research. I’ve come to the conclusion that leaky gut is the guilt suspect. I am going Friday to have tests done to see if there is adrenal fatigue, thyroid issue or possibly an auto-immune disorder. Is it wrong that I hope my tests come back with all types of red marks!? I mean, atleast then I know what the hell is going on! I used to love yoga. Now most days its hurts too much to walk. I honestly can’t help but ask myself if my body is doing this or my mind?? Am I doing this to myself? I refuse to believe that I am that mentally and emotionally broken that I am causing all of these symptoms. Is my physical health the backbone to my poor emotional health? Is my emotional health the cause of my poor physical health!? Why can’t I just be normal!? I am so tired of being sick and tired. Yesterday in an attempt to relieve some pain and tension in my neck I went to a chiropractor to get an adjustment. I have had countless adjustments in my life. Fast forward to 5am the excruciating pain woke me up! It felt like my head was being ripped off my neck! I couldn’t move! Into a taxi I went and straight to the ER (for the 3rd time in 2 months) after which I spent all morning in the fetal position hooked to a IV. Thank you universe for morphine! Yet another day lost from work. So what welcomes me home after a splendid morning, an email from my boss letting me go. “We are sympathetic to your health issues…..it has become a strain to the office…..your services are no longer needed” You know whats so hard about these issues that we deal with? Chronic fatigue, migraines, adrenal fatigue…to most these are “invisible” little demons. To most people, they think we’re lazy, hypochondriacs, we must be crazy…and the list goes on. For today, I am just letting the meds to their thing. Tomorrow I will have my panic attack and then figure out my next move.
It’s been a really long time since I’ve written. I’m not really sure why. Lord knows I never run out of things to say. I guess I don’t like to feel like a broken record. Or, maybe denial? Feeling as if I don’t write about it, talk about it, it isn’t there. Until it is. This year started off pretty well. New job. Two jobs actually. New apt. And right around the corner, time to FINALLY, after 3 years of requirements, hand in my application to nursing school. Then it happened. I spent most of January sick with asthma. That turned into February which carried into March. While January actually was a mix of bronchitis, sinus infection and asthma. Looking back now, the continuance of my being sick I can’t help but admit had more to do with my emotional and mental status then anything else. I’ve always had a tendency to get sick easily my whole life. So it was easy to just be sick. That cost me my job. My full time job. A job I loved. Now, here I am. In a spot that is oh so familiar. In a desperate situation. Scrambling to make things work. Now to find another job. To have to explain to the next employer my short comings. The week I was let go, I had called out sick. I admit I wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t get out of bed for two days. Why the hell couldn’t I get out of bed!? I’m taking the meds. I have responsibilities. I’ve worked so hard to come this far. Now i’m questioning my purpose, my strength, my focus (which is nonexistent). How can I find a new job and make it through nursing school like this? I’ve been working in health for 4 years. I have a way with my patients. I love talking to them. I love taking care of them. The one thing that has propelled me to pursue nursing is that I have an empathy towards the sick that others don’t. I know what it is to be sick. To struggle with an illness day after day. But really, can I do it? Then today, I can’t remember when it hit me. But what I’m feeling has a name, and its FEAR!! Fear is paralyzing, its debilitating. It’s also oddly comforting. It’s so easy to crawl into your “rabbit hole” of fear. So, now that I know what it is. NOw, that after almost 36 years I can name it. And its not just Bipolar 2, depression or anxiety…what do I do? How do I move forward? Can I really be responsible for someones life even with all my training?? I have the best of intentions. I want to believe that if this wasn’t my purpose, God would’ve put a major hault to my journey a long time ago. Is this questioning that i’m doing rational or fear talking??
Today isn’t my forever. Yes I woke up low and full of anxiety but I have to believe that what is my today will not manifest itself to be my tomorrow. I have to believe the Universe has so much more planned for me. This darkness that resides in me that occasionally fights its way out does not define me. It cannot, it will not win!
Today is so not a good day. Actually, the past month has been horrible. But the past few days specifically my anxiety has been out of control. I would rather deal with the lowest of the lows then this dreaded anxiety. It feels like my insides are literally trying to pry their way out! My throat is closed, the room is spinning and all I can do is down this little pink pill in the hopes that it will calm down. That makes me even more angry, knowing I’m a slave to this little pink pill. I just don’t understand it. Somedays are so great. Then I wake up and my world is caving in on itself. Then the thoughts start whirling in. “I can make it stop!”. All I have to do is drink a whole bottle of those little pink pills and everything will be quiet. But I just don’t have it in me to give up so easily. As hard as this is, I refuse to let this beat me. I refuse to be a victim to this disorder. I just have to make it to tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. I hope!
Will we ever get it right? I am so sick of feeling like a guinea pig! Since I was 17 i’ve tried I dont know how many medications. But that was when I was (mis)diagnosed as having major depression. Two years ago when a new Dr had this sudden epiphany that I was Bipolar 2, now comes this new world of meds. Some days I really feel like they help. Its like wearing some really badass heels and im like “Yes, we got this shit down!!!”. Then I wake up the next day and its back to wearing slippers and not being able to get out of bed. Recently my Dr said, lets try Lamictal. After about a week of eating EVERYTHING and gaining 5 lbs…I said oh heck no! Now im depressed bc im getting fat! So now what? Onto the next lil blue pill?? I’ve accepted the fact that I will for the rest of my life be dependent on some form of meds just to function…to keep the rollercoaster slow and steady. But damnit!!! What is the master cocktail!? Why cant we get it right!? Its so damn frustrating dealing with a new med, new side affects sometimes for a week or two till i cant take it anymore than onto to the next on the list. Right now the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and I find no joy in this. I wish it were raining. A perfect reflection of my mood.
I did it…i actually did it! All this time I’ve been living in this Wonderland known as Bipolar 2 ,i’ve been really good at hiding it. Other than a few family members and close friends I would’ve never consideres telling anyone else. Then the other night it hit me (i blame mania!)! Why should I live in this closet!? Those that love me will love me…those that are indifferent….can kick rocks! So…I wrote out a short memoir and posted on my Facebook. To my surprise I am blessed to have alot more supporters backing me up. I did get one or two “oh please…such and such” and to those ignoramus’s…i frankly have no time to spare. But I feel free! I dont have to hide. I want to educate people and i cnt do it when im scared myself. This week was tough. I spent two days in bed. Couldnt eat, couldnt shower…Worried the hell out of my roomates and i missed work. So…again…i came out. When i got to work yesterday I sent my boss an email detailing exactly what im going through. All i can do is hope and pray it doesnt back fire in my face. I contacted an old counselor today so we can restart sessions…my meds have changed and its the last few weeks of the semester. So much going on i feel like my head is going to explode!!
Great read! Knowledge is power and the more we learn about ourselves and our disorders…the stronger we become!
MzRedsBoudoir A fabulous boho eclectic world!
Fear…it lives in every bit of my body and soul. I wake up to this animal every morning and at night it dances around my room taunting me. “Be afraid!” it screams to me! Fear that I am not good enough. Fear that my disorder is all I am and all I ever will be. Fear that no matter how hard I try, I will never accomplish my goals because I’m just not strong enough, smart enough, driven enough. Maybe being a nurse just isn’t for me. Maybe I’m just meant to “get by”. To live a mundane life, get everyday, go to a boring job, pay the bills and that’s it. Who am I to want to save lives? How can I take care of someone else when I struggle everyday to take care of myself. I am so scared. Down to my very core. Everyone in my life expects so much. “You’re so smart” they tell me. What they don’t see are the nights I spend crying over my textbooks because I simply cannot retain anything. Or understand. Nights I spend reading and re-reading the same page over and over again. I want to help others like me. I want to make a difference. Damn it!!! Shit! Fuck!! I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!! If just one person can look at me and say, “Because she could do it, so can I”. It would all be worth it. Fear……I won’t let you win!