Anxiety…..Make it Stop!!

Today is so not a good day.  Actually, the past month has been horrible.  But the past few days specifically my anxiety has been out of control.  I would rather deal with the lowest of the lows then this dreaded anxiety.  It feels like my insides are literally trying to pry their way out! My throat is closed, the room is spinning and all I can do is down this little pink pill in the hopes that it will calm down.  That makes me even more angry, knowing I’m a slave to this little pink pill.  I just don’t understand it.  Somedays are so great.  Then I wake up and my world is caving in on itself.  Then the thoughts start whirling in.  “I can make it stop!”.  All I have to do is drink a whole bottle of those little pink pills and everything will be quiet.  But I just don’t have it in me to give up so easily.  As hard as this is, I refuse to let this beat me.  I refuse to be a victim to this disorder.  I just have to make it to tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. I hope!

A lil HA HA for ya!!

Bipolar Disorder: What You Need to Know – US News

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/patient-advice/articles/2015/01/15/bipolar-disorder-what-you-need-to-know

So I Write

It’s about 5:30am and I’m coming down (or going up? can’t really tell) from two days of not being able to get out out bed.  So the cycle starts again…no sleep, then too much sleep.  So, I write.  Not entirely sure what I’m going to write about right about now….So I write.  Recently I’ve decided to explore my spirituality, I need God in my life.  I need more of God in my life.  I’m not really sure how to get into a relationship with him.  So…I write.  The highs and lows are a bit too much for me this week.  I lost 2 days of my life that I will never get back to this demon we call Biplar 2. I’m hurt, angry and confused. So…I write.  Will I ever understand why I have been given this gift? I like to call it a gift. This living, breathing thing that some days sucks the life right out of me but other days fills me with unbounding energy and inspiration. I have no clue! So….I write.  This animal that lives inside of me has created a warm home nestled in my mind. Curled tentacles wrapping around my emotions.  Feeding on my ability to function. Using my body as its source. Will I ever be rid of it?? Who can answer this question?  I don’t know….So I write.

Down the Rabbit Hole I Go…

Today is the first day since tuesday I have been able to get out of bed.  Two and a half days lost to the damn lows.  What caused it?  What was the trigger? All I can remember is going to sleep tuesday night and not being able to get up wednesday…then again not able to get up thursday.  Today the alarm clock went off and my mind was racing….GET UP!!! I begged and pleaded with myself to just get up!! Crawl if you have to but don’t let this beat you! Looking in I have a great life….great job, in school working towards an RN, I have some incredible people who love and support me even when I don’t love myself.  I don’t know what I’ve done in another life to deserve this punishment but I feel as if i’ve angered the Universe.  This is one big cosmic punishment.  For one to loose their own ability to function, this simply cannot be how the God I know intended for us to live.  I try to live my life without anger, without resentment…but when the lows hit….when I go deep down the rabbit hole.  How can i not be angry? We as humans fight every day just to survive.  Just to find our place in the world.  To mount on top of it the inability to bathe, to get up out of bed, to feed yourself….this can’t be the meaning of life.  I’m struggling to find meaning to this life. I am screaming and fighting to find simple meaning.  This can’t be all….is it??

Perfect!

When I saw this it was like…YASSSSSS!!! So perfectly put! Totally how this bipolar redhead wakes up everyday!

Shared from WordPress

High & Low Levels of Cortisol are Bad for Bipolar Disorder – Part 2 – http://wp.me/p1A6j6-2h5

Lost my muchness….

So I honestly don’t know how I’ve managed but I am pre-nursing.  It’s been a really rough few years since I’ve gone back to school.  But, I forced myself because I feel like it’s what I am meant to do.  For so many years I have come across Dr’s and Nurses whom..some were so comforting and yet others weren’t.  I feel like my situation makes me empathetic and I have an insight into the lives of others dealing with some type of illness.  I get it, ya know!  Many times I have gone down and up out of the “rabbit hole” (Down the Rabbit hole is how I refer to those dark times). Yet, somehow I’ve managed to get through 2 years of required courses and maintain a B average! So, now here I am…a few months from actually applying to nursing school.  I have two classes that I am in this semester and then its application time.  What’s the problem you ask?! I’ve lost my muchness! I’ve tackled some dark times, I’ve gone down the rabbit hole several times and all the while managed to get through it.  I’m finding lately I can’t focus, I’ve lost motivation, I can’t even focus to read a chapter.  Everything I have worked for is wrapped into this last semester and here I am sabotaging myself! What is it??  Fear? My Disorder? Or maybe the Universe is telling me I’m just not cut out for this…..

Watch “I’m Bipolar, But I’m Not…” on YouTube

I’m Comin Out!!

Hey everyone out there in cyber world! This is my first go at blogging so please take it easy on me!  I posted a video recently on another site and my sister was like “Hey, you should do this more often!”  So, here I am.  What do I have to share with the public.  Oh, just the every day life of a 34 year old Bipolar puertorican from NY living in VA.  This is my coming out to the world that I have Bipolar disorder.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!! Having a platform to talk about this disorder amongst others who live with it is so liberating. For so long its as if I have been living in a bubble in which I can see out but no one can see in.  It’s so hard to explain what it is to actually live being bipolar.  You get the “oh just snap out if” or, “can’t you just take a pill for that”.  No my darlings, its so much deeper than that.  For today, I’ll leave it here.  I have so much to say I don’t want to bombard the masses! LOL.  Till tomorrow, Ciao for now.