I am Bipolar 2

I’ve gotten the question more than once, “What does it mean to be Bipolar 2?” So here it is, the nitty, gritty of it all.  Being Bipolar 2 means that some days I will be bright, and full of energy.  I’ll be super productive at work, ace all the tests, super fun and energetic. I will write and dance. I’ll laugh, love all my friends and family with more affection than even  I thought possible.  Then Boom, it happens….like a thief in the night.  I can’t get out of bed.  I’ll sleep for days.  Won’t bathe, eat or even be able to brush my teeth.  It physically hurts to function.  My family and friends worry because they haven’t heard from me.  My boss wonders why I miss days here and there.  My Professors say “You have so much potential, if only you were here”. My future seems dark and bleak.  I saw a quote that fit so perfectly, “Being Bipolar means waking up and not knowing if Tigger or Eore will rule your day!” Perfect huh!? Being Bipolar means I rarely allow myself to get close to men.  How can I? Eventually the real me will come to surface.  How do you explain to someone that you are Bipolar?  That for the rest of your life you will need to take medication just to function. That some days will be great. Others, you will isolate yourself from everyone and anything you love.  Being bipolar robs you of your self worth.  I feel broken, betrayed by my body, by God and the Universe. I feel as if I am beyond redemption.  This broken bird that will never fly. Being bipolar means fighting everyday for your life.  A struggle of wills between myself and I. Who wins in the end?

So I Write

It’s about 5:30am and I’m coming down (or going up? can’t really tell) from two days of not being able to get out out bed.  So the cycle starts again…no sleep, then too much sleep.  So, I write.  Not entirely sure what I’m going to write about right about now….So I write.  Recently I’ve decided to explore my spirituality, I need God in my life.  I need more of God in my life.  I’m not really sure how to get into a relationship with him.  So…I write.  The highs and lows are a bit too much for me this week.  I lost 2 days of my life that I will never get back to this demon we call Biplar 2. I’m hurt, angry and confused. So…I write.  Will I ever understand why I have been given this gift? I like to call it a gift. This living, breathing thing that some days sucks the life right out of me but other days fills me with unbounding energy and inspiration. I have no clue! So….I write.  This animal that lives inside of me has created a warm home nestled in my mind. Curled tentacles wrapping around my emotions.  Feeding on my ability to function. Using my body as its source. Will I ever be rid of it?? Who can answer this question?  I don’t know….So I write.